


Grey is the Loveliest Colour

by Alisera



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-13 03:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5692444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alisera/pseuds/Alisera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alistair's life has never been easy but he never thought that in one night he would lose not only his closest friend and father figure, Duncan, but also every friend and his family in one swoop.<br/>The only person he has left is the newest Grey Warden recruit, Kaiann Cousland, who he has become slightly protective of following the deaths and betrayal at Ostagar, and the fact that she seems to care about him as a friend helps him to find a way out of his grief but slowly his feelings of wanting to protect Kaiann just because she's one of the last surviving Wardens turns into wanting to lay down his life for her in an overly different way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They were talking again, Alistair noticed, pulling himself out of his own thought for a moment as he looked at the two women in front of him, twisted the ring that he wore around his finger and sent up a silent prayer to the Maker that Kaiann Cousland knew what she was doing since he didn’t trust Morrigan at all. It was ridiculous, he had only known the woman for a couple of days, but he felt strangely protective of her. He didn’t know whether it was because she was a newly joined Warden or because they were the only two to make it out of the battle alive, but he wanted her to just be both safe and happy. He sighed and returned to his thoughts, memories of Duncan and the Grey Wardens, his brothers and sisters at arms and finally of Kaiann’s face as the darkspawn closed around them and they braced themselves for death.  


Her face had been pale, but there was a determination underneath it that Alistair could only admire, even as they held their swords and shields out in front of them, cutting down as many darkspawn as they could until they were finally on the verge of giving up.  
“Alistair?” Her voice had been wobbly, but he buried his sword in a genlock and pulled it out, turning to face her, to help her.  
“Yes?” He remembered the dull thud as her shield clattered to the ground and she held out a shaking hand to him. She didn’t want to die, not like this. It was obvious, but at the same time, her sword arm moved swiftly because she would not go down without a fight.  
“I don’t think-“ She began, but he told her to stop. He had told her not to think that way, and she had smiled unexpectedly and shook her head, “I don’t think I’ll be getting to see you in that dress.”  
He couldn’t remember anything else, other than the darkspawn finally overwhelming them and then waking up in a hut with his injuries tended to and being told that no other people had made it out of the battle alive. He had shouted at the old woman, who he could remember the cutpurse calling a Witch of the Wilds, when she told him. He had shouted that it was impossible, he wouldn’t have left Kaiann to die there. It was in the middle of this rant that Morrigan had appeared and informed him that Kaiann was still sleeping.  
He remembered the relief when he saw her, and how irritable she had seemed. He remembered the fear of thinking that the only person left connected to him, who didn’t know that he was a bastard, was going to walk out on him until she helped him formulate a plan.  
He shook himself out of his memories and decided to talk to Kaiann, he felt that he had wallowed in silence and pity for too long and even though Kaiann had given him his space, allowed him his grief, he also felt as if he had abandoned her.

“So, I was thinking-“ He took a deep breath, but Morrigan cut off the rest of his sentence.  
“Oh, finally decided to join us, have you?” There was a malicious sarcasm to her voice, “Falling on your blade in grief seemed too much trouble, I take it?”  
“Is my being upset so hard to understand?” He asked her, aware of the rage creeping into his voice, “Have you never lost someone important to you? Just what would you do if your mother died?”  
Morrigan gave him a look that didn’t frighten him, but succeeded in making him feel uneasy. “Before or after I stopped laughing?” she asked.  
“Right, very creepy, forget I asked.” He turned back to Kaiann, “Anyway, these treaties, have you had a chance to look at them?”  
Kaiann nodded, “Yes, I have.”  
He explained the basis of the treaties and his thoughts that Arl Eamon may just be their best bet for help and that they could even go to him first, if Kaiann wished, after Kaiann assured him that they would figure something out, Morrigan turned away and headed into the village.

“You have been very quiet, Alistair.” Kaiann’s voice was almost nothing more than a whisper.  
“I know. I’m sorry.” He answered, without looking at her.  
“There’s no need to apologise.” She sighed, “Do you want to talk about him? I mean, Duncan?”  
“You don’t have to do that.”  
“He was a good man.”  
“He was a good man. A great man.” He agreed, “When this is all over, I would like to have a proper funeral for him.”  
Kaiann nodded, the hint of a sad smile crossing her face as she reached out her hand to somehow comfort him and pulled it away again.  
“He was from Highever, I think. “ Alistair continued, trying to ignore the fact that this was the second time since they’d met that Kaiann had offered her hand to him for some form of comfort. “I don’t think he had any family to speak of.”  
Kaiann shook her head, her blonde hair never falling loose from her bun, “He had you.”  
“I suppose that’s true.” He almost wished she hadn’t pulled her hand away now, he could feel the grief welling up in him again, “Anyway, thanks for doing this. Talking to me, you didn’t have to.”  
“I wanted to.” She told him, “And I would like to come with you, when you go.”  
Alistair nodded, “I think he would like that.” He managed a small smile at her, “Thank you.”  
They didn’t talk again for at least an hour, Kaiann had decided that they should head to Lothering’s inn to find a place to rest and eat but that, like everything else since they’d fought their way to the top of the Tower of Ishal, didn’t go well. Four of Teryn Loghain’s soldiers were there, immediately taunting them like the bandits on the road that Kaiann had persuaded to give up their money.Of course, this ended in a fight, which a red-haired Chantry sister with an Orlesian accent joined in, producing a dagger from nowhere. She claimed that she had to join them, having received a vision from the Maker himself. Kaiann focused a look of sheer disbelief on her, and in an attempt to lighten the stale mood Alistair quipped “More crazy? I thought we were full up.”  
The sister introduced herself as Leiliana and Kaiann allowed her to join their party, stating that they needed all the help they could get.  
“Are you sure about this Leliana?” he asked Kaiann when they had a moment to talk somewhat privately.  
“I’m not sure of anything right now.” She answered with a weary sigh, “Let’s just… Let’s help out in whatever small way we can and move on, shall we?”  
They headed north, finding bandits in the fields and woodlands on the edge of Lothering, an abundance of elfroot, a cave of giant spiders and on their way back into the village, a lone Qunari sitting in a cage. Kaiann managed to convince him to tell her his name, which he gave as Sten of the Beresaad. Alistair vaguely remembered reading something about Qunari when he was a boy, back in Arl Eamon’s study, they didn’t have names, just ranks and they were powerful warriors. Upon mentioning this to Kaiann, she immediately decided to try to release the prisoner. This involved stepping into the Chantry where she persuaded Leliana to convince the Revered Mother to release Sten into their custody. As soon as he was released, she turned to Alistair.  
“We should leave.” Her voice was low enough so that nobody else could hear her.  
“Leave where? Lothering or Ferelden?” He asked her, wishing that he could take her hand just this once. Even after they had been healed, Kaiann still trembled slightly in the wake of being overrun by darkspawn.  
“Lothering.” She answered, catching her hand shaking and attempting to pin it down, “Alistair, what happens now that there’s only two of us?”  
“I… don’t know.” He took a look at her face, realising that all the determination that she had shown up until now was just a mask to hide how scared she was, “I suppose we’ll have to use the Joining to make more Wardens eventually, but I have no idea how to do it. I know it involves lyrium and some other magic, but I don’t know how it works.” He took a breath and gently rested a hand on her shoulder plate, feeling the cold metal underneath his palm, “We should set up camp, get some rest.” He moved his hand away before the rest of their party could see and offered to gather firewood and sort out some sort of meal for them all back at camp. They hadn’t exactly left Lothering yet, so when Kaiann asked Leliana and Sten if there was anything they needed from the village, Alistair asked to go with them in order to see if he could at least buy some food with the few silvers in his money pouch. 

Leliana immediately went to the chantry to gather more things from her chambers and since Sten had concluded that going back into the village was a waste of time with the darkspawn pressing in on them, Alistair was left to wander the village alone. He approached a few merchants and asked if they had any food to sell, bread or cheese but there was nothing. He decided that the tavern was the best bet and as he made his way there with his head hung low so that any men Loghain may have still in the village wouldn’t single him out and attack him, he spotted a rosebush starting to wither with a single pink rose hanging between its thorns. It was a thing of beauty, a rare reminder that there was hope in these dark times. He thought about picking it, storing it in his pack somehow and maybe showing it to Kaiann someday, just to give her some hope. He shook the thoughts out of his head and turned to the inn. He was lucky enough, that for most of the measly amount of silver he had on him, the innkeeper spared half a loaf of almost stale bread and a small bit of beef, still on the bone along with four small potatoes. If he was lucky, Kaiann’s mabari wouldn’t catch the scent of the meat until it had been cooked. He still had no idea what that dog was called, it had been with her at Ostagar when she arrived, he remembered it sitting in Duncan’s tent as they had returned from the Kocari Wilds and later the hound had stormed the Tower of Ishal with them. The lucky mutt must have somehow escaped the darkspawn horde that had closed in around them and followed their scent to Flemeth’s hut.

He left the inn, since the innkeeper kept asking him if he would like a pint of ale to drown his troubles and Leliana must be back at the bridge by now, and as he was walking past the rosebush, impulse took him. This was a sign of beauty and hope, he couldn’t just let it fall to the darkspawn once they took Lothering and he could hear the hordes thundering in the back of his skull, so it wouldn’t be long now. They had to leave and fast. He plucked the rose from amongst the thorns that scratched his hand and drew blood as he pulled the flower free, and then placed it in his pack, nestled amongst a pair of socks.  
He ran back to the bridge where Kaiann was knelt down and playing with the mabari’s ears, relieved to see that Leliana was already there.  
“We have to hurry.” He informed her and she looked up, her blue eyes full of worry, “They’re coming.”  
It was all he needed to say for Kaiann to pull out a map and mark a spot near woodland, a few miles from Lothering. They ran for most of the way and only when the pounding in Alistair’s head had stopped, they permitted themselves to walk.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” He was walking next to Kaiann while Leilana quizzed Morrigan about her mother, “What is your hound’s name?”  
“Promise you won’t laugh?” She asked and he nodded.  
“I promise.”  
“I was small when my father gave him to me, on my birthday.” She paused and sighed, “I was very intrigued of stories involving knights saving princesses so I named my dog after a knight from one of those tales, but I couldn’t say the name properly.” Another pause, “After some years, I got tired of the name and I wanted to change it, but I couldn’t. I wanted a name that people would fear but I didn’t want to go too far and in some ways, the name I picked out then seems more appropriate now than it ever has been.”  
“What is it?” Alistair asked, noticing the blush creep across her cheeks.  
“You gave me your word.”  
“I did.”  
“His full name is Ser Woofus Barkspawn.” She noticed Alistair stifling a giggle and lightly tapped the back of his neck with her hand, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh.”  
“Ser Woofus Barkspawn?” He let her see him smile a little, “I don’t think I could do any better.”  
“Is that because you’ve suffered one too many bumps on the head since we met?” She asked, laughing.  
“Now that’s just mean.” He pouted at her, and without any thought going into it, he brought his hand to the back of her neck and tickled her causing her to laugh again and run off, calling over her shoulder that if he wanted to try that again, he would have to catch her.  
Laughter was not a thing that he ever thought he would hear again, not during a time like this but having someone that seemed to care about him, even if all she wanted to do was make sure he would follow her, made him feel slightly better. He remembered the rose in his pack and allowed himself a small smile as they set up camp for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Alistair could hear laughter as he collected the firewood for the night, and Leliana’s Orlesian accent could be heard through the trees as she told tales around the campfire. He had already thrown some water, vegetables and the meat into a large pot and left it by the side of where the campfire would be built. The laughter died down from the camp and he moved forward into the woods, hoping that he could find a source of water to refill their flasks when he heard footsteps behind him. He pulled himself behind a large oak tree and pulled his sword from his belt. He waited until whoever or whatever was near him paused by the tree and heard the thing inhale. There were only two options available to him now, either he swung his sword out in front of him and decapitated whatever was stood near him or he could cautiously step out and keep his sword pointed at it. Alistair chose the second option and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the tip of his blade was pressed against Kaiann’s neck. He quickly withdrew the blade from her throat and fastened it back into his belt, watching as she bent down to retrieve the bow that had clattered to the ground. The back of neck was exposed, and a slight pink ran up it and across her cheeks. Aware that he was staring at her, Alistair coughed and started to apologise but Kaiann cut him off with a short laugh.  
“Darkspawn, you can never be too careful.”  
“That may indeed be true,” Alistair bent to pick up an arrow that Kaiann had dropped and gently handed it to her as he straightened up, “I didn’t know you hunted.”  
Another pink blush crept across her cheeks and the faintest spot of blood could be seen at the base of her throat, which Alistair reached out to wipe away. She shivered slightly when his fingers touched her skin and he could feel himself starting to turn red. It would be easy for him to use the two fingers that he was resting on her throat to tip her chin upwards so that her blue eyes looked up to his, but that was a fool’s wish, so instead he tore a scrap of cloth from the light shirt he wore and dampened it with water from his flask. He passed the cloth to her and walked away from her, cursing himself for even thinking that she would want to kiss him. Morrigan was right, he was a fool.

He found a small stream and followed it to where a small pool had formed and gazed at his reflection in the water. He looked tired and his face was covered in dirt, he took a quick sniff under his arms and instantly regretted it. The stench of sweat was so strong that he was surprised Kaiann hadn’t immediately turned away when he had touched her just minutes ago. He wished he had soap in his pack, but he had left his pack at camp and he wanted to make sure Kaiann was safe. He kept listening for her footsteps as he took off his shirt and cupped his hands under the water. The sensation of the cold water hitting his skin instantly made him feel better as he continued to wash his chest and underarms. He was unaware of Kaiann approaching from behind, two rabbits slung over her shoulder ready to be skinned, until she let out a low whistle that made him instantly jump up and reach for the sword laying beside him.  
“Did you just jump at your own reflection?” She asked, laughing as she sat down beside him, placing a rabbit into her lap and started to cut into it with a small knife.  
“No. I was just-“ He felt himself blush again and reached to take the other rabbit off Kaiann’s shoulder to start skinning it.  
“Alistair?” Her voice somehow sounded smaller, almost as if something was embarrassing her.  
“Hm?”  
“Put your shirt back on, please?” She asked, passing him the shirt that he had left on the grass. He took it from her and quickly pulled it over his head, covering his chest. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you, my lady.” He went back to skinning the rabbit with his own knife that he kept in his belt, trying not to glance up at the woman beside him. They worked in silence until Kaiann asked him to tell her something embarrassing about him since he had laughed at her dog’s name. He had one secret, one that he didn’t want to tell her yet. She would look at him differently, maybe even shy away from the small touches that they shared together, she would try to protect him and she would get hurt. He shook his head, hoping that she would never find out that he was King Cailan’s half-brother and King Maric’s bastard. He knew what she would say, that he should take the throne since he had a rightful claim to it. She would ignore all of his protests and she would forever be just out of reach. If she knew, he couldn’t protect her, he couldn’t keep her alive.  
“Alistair?”  
“Sorry, I was thinking… I didn’t actually have the best childhood.” He admitted, “I was taken to the monastery when I was ten, and started training to become a Templar by thirteen. I never knew my mother or father.”  
“I’m sorry.” She sounded like she truly meant it, “I couldn’t imagine not knowing…”  
Alistair felt like a fool for bringing up the subject of family then, Kaiann had only come into his life after her whole family was murdered and that was something he had hoped he would never have to experience. And here he was, sitting by a pool, skinning a rabbit with a beautiful woman sat next to him, dragging up all those feelings that she had been working so hard to forget.  
“No, I should be apologising for talking about family. After what happened to your family, your home…”  
“We should get back.” She stood up, skinned rabbit over her shoulder and threw her bow across her back. She took two steps away from him and looked back at him to see if he was moving too, it was only then that he noticed her tears. Things were too awkward between them on the way back to camp for Alistair to even attempt to touch her again and instead they just walked back in an awkward silence with Kaiann’s occasional sniffs interrupting them. They were the same back at camp, and even though Leliana questioned him about it and suggested that something else had happened between the two Wardens in the woods, Alistair remained silent and watched the pot of beef and rabbit stew bubble until it was cooked and shared out between all of the members of their small party. He thought he saw Kaiann smile at him when he handed her a bowl but he definitely imagined it and that night, he lay awake on his bedroll, staring up at the stars.

He heard the screaming first, the small whimpers in the night that forced his eyes open and the sounds of someone kicking at the ground. He sat up to find Kaiann thrashing around in her sleep on a bedroll outside her tent and remembered the nightmares he’d had when he first joined the Wardens. Her nightmares were going to be even worse than his screaming darkspawn faces, especially during a Blight and without a group of friends who had been through it all before to immediately comfort her when her eyes shot open and she eventually sat up, wiping sweat from her brow, Alistair had to step in.  
“Bad dreams?” He asked, resting his arm on his knee as he looked at her face, lit by the glow of the campfire.  
“It… It felt so real.” She murmured, more to herself than in response to Alistair, but he nodded anyway.  
“I remember how it was after my Joining, I had horrible dreams.” He paused for a second, “It’s part of the Taint.”  
“There was a dragon… was that the Archdemon?”  
Alistair nodded again, “The Archdemon it, well, it ‘talks’ to the horde and we can pick up on it. Some of the older Wardens said that they could understand the Archdemon a bit, but I certainly can’t.” Another pause with only the sounds of the surrounding woodland to fill the silence, “Anyway, when I heard you thrashing around, I thought that I should tell you.”  
She smiled at him then, “Thank you, Alistair.” She sat up a little more, “Any other nasty surprises?”  
“Well, on top of being able to hear darkspawn and them hearing you, you’ve got about 30 years left to live. Give or take.”  
He watched her inhale a sharp breath, wanting to comfort her with something else more than words but he saw a familiar glint in Kaiann’s eyes as she almost smirked at him, “Is there anything else you’re hiding from me?”  
“Apart from an unholy love for fine cheeses and a minor obsession with my hair,” And the fact that he was Maric’s bastard son, “No.” He cleared his throat, desperate for this awkward moment to be over, “Now that you’re awake, we should pull up camp.”  
“Right, I’m just going to…” She gestured towards the woodland, “Go wash up.”  
“I’ll keep watch.” He offered.  
“Alistair…”  
He could feel his cheeks heating up again, Andraste’s flaming sword, how did this woman do this to him? “Just hurry up.” He snapped. The words had come out with a defensive edge that he hadn’t intended them to have and instead of apologising, he gritted his teeth and walked out into the woods.

They walked in silence through the woodland, with Alistair using his sword to cut away at grass and plants and even bits of tree trunks and Kaiann shooting him annoyed looks. He turned away when they reached the pond, leaving Kaiann to wash up in peace.   
He wanted to turn his head when he heard the sound of fabric sliding over skin, but he remained still and looking straight ahead. He sat down and tried to process his feelings, since now where his heart had stung with the deaths of Duncan, Cailan and all of his brothers and sisters in the Wardens, the pain had somehow subsided and something warm and new seemed to rise there whenever he looked at Kaiann. He snuck a glance behind him to see her, clothed in just a simple shirt and breeches wringing water out of her blonde hair. It was longer than he had thought, and the moment she tossed it over her shoulder and it settled down her back, his breath caught in his throat. Maker’s breath, she was beautiful, but she was still the one of the only surviving Grey Wardens and he had to keep her safe because of that. He quickly turned his head away from her and tried not to blush.  
He didn’t hear her approach, and he jumped when she tapped his shoulder which caused her to laugh.  
“All done?”  
“Yes.”  
He reached out a hand to her, touching her arm, “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier.”  
“Please,” She gently placed her hand over his, “I wasn’t the best person to be around when we first met. I understand.” She moved her hand away and started to pile her hair back up using a leather tie and an astounding amount of small hairpins.  
“Where are we heading now, my lady?” He asked her as they entered the camp.  
“I think the Circle of Magi may be our best bet.” She answered.  
“And what of Arl Eamon?”  
“If that knight we encountered in Lothering told us the truth, we may need the mages to heal the Arl.” She shook her head sadly, “I just hope there’s time.”  
“I hope so too.” He picked up his pack and thought that maybe he should give her the rose, right at this moment and just confess that he had some sort of feelings for her, but instead he followed her out of the camp and towards Lake Calenhad without saying a word.


	3. Chapter 3

Alistair didn’t speak for two of the six days that it took the party to reach the lake, even Sten was being more of a conversationalist. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Kaiann, who was currently being told the story of Aveline by Leiliana, it was just that he was trying to work everything out. He told himself that it was too soon for him to feel like this, too soon to let anybody into his heart after the deaths at Ostagar and yet, the way he had been acting around her, picking up that rose at Lothering seemed to scream at him that something was different. He still hadn’t told her his secret, he still didn’t want to, and now with Cailan dead… If he told her, he knew that she’d just insist that he should try to take the throne. 

It was on the third day that she asked him if they could talk, in private. There were tears in her eyes, and Alistair had to force himself not to instinctively wipe them off her face. Instead, he folded his arms across his chest and watched the tears fall down her cheeks.  
“What’s the matter?” He asked, still keeping his distance, still forcing himself not to go to her.  
“I just remembered… My brother, Fergus…” She sank down onto a small boulder in the clearing she had dragged him off to, “He was there, Alistair.”  
“Where? In Lothering?” It was the only place that he could think of, the only place that would upset her this much, since he had just heard a merchant tell her that Lothering had fallen to the Blight. He expected her to nod, but she shook her head at him sadly.  
“No. Not Lothering.”  
A sudden realisation crossed Alistair’s mind, if Lothering wasn’t the problem and Fergus Cousland wasn’t there, that meant that he had been at the battle at Ostagar.  
“Maker… I’m so sorry, Kaiann.” He watched as her head dipped forward and her shoulders shook as she sobbed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Because I wanted to hope that he was still alive… that there was a chance, Alistair.”  
He stared at his feet for a moment, still deciding whether he should act on his feelings and take her into his arms or whether he should just play it down. Maybe he didn’t have to tell her about his parentage, maybe he could keep it quiet until absolutely necessary.  
“I wish you had mentioned it sooner, maybe I could have helped out in some way.”  
He thought that he heard a slight laugh break up some of her sobbing and she managed to choke out one word, “How?”  
“I could have done more to help you through it, we are friends.” He managed to catch her eye and didn’t look away, “Or am I wrong?”  
She shook her head slowly, “We are friends, Alistair.” She broke eye contact with him and looked back at her own feet again, “Sometimes, it feels like maybe we’re meant for more.”  
“What do you mean?” Alistair’s heart was jumping against his ribs, his mouth felt like it was drying out and it was nearly impossible for him to keep his face from breaking out into the biggest smile that it could.  
“Maybe we’re meant to stay together, Alistair, no matter what.” The tears had stopped for the moment, and Alistair leaned forward to hear more of Kaiann’s softly-spoken words, “Maybe this is all fate or destiny, the Maker’s will. Maybe we’re meant to find something… Do you know what I’m trying to say?”  
Alistair nodded and tried to stop the words forcing themselves from his throat, but it was too late. “I think I’ve already found it.”  
He saw her blush, saw her lips part ever so slightly and watched her try to regain composure. “Alistair…”  
“No, don’t say a thing, Kaiann. Please, just listen to me.” He wanted to tell her, he wanted to have this moment of finally holding her in his arms and telling her just how beautiful she was to him but as he always had, he gave up. “I didn’t think I would find another friend like this, not after Ostagar and I just wanted to tell you that I’m thankful for it. You are a true friend and I’ll stand by you, no matter what.”

Kaiann’s words rang in his head, causing many sleepless nights that he solved by staying on watch with Leliana, Sten and sometimes even Morrigan. Sten never spoke much, it was somewhat of a challenge for Alistair to even get one word out of the Qunari but nevertheless, it was a challenge he enjoyed. Leliana liked playing cards and telling tales, her bow always at her feet. Sometimes she would moan at how the dog couldn’t just guard the camp and Alistair would whistle for Barkspawn to join them, rubbing the mabari’s ears until he fell asleep with his head on Alistair’s boots.  
This night, Morrigan was awake and they were both attempting to keep their bickering down to a low volume.  
“I have seen how you look at her.” Morrigan’s remark was obviously intended to get under his skin, like every other remark she had ever made.  
“She’s our leader, Morrigan.”  
“If you don’t mind me saying so –“  
“I mind you saying a lot of things, Morrigan.”  
The witch scoffed at his response and just seemed to continue on with her inevitable taunts, to which Alistair didn’t listen.  
“’Tis embarrassing! You force yourself to stay awake to watch over her and for what?!”  
“She’s one of only two surviving Grey Wardens in all of Ferelden.” He answered her calmly, knowing that any rise of emotion would allow her to pounce on him.  
“And what of you? Are you not a Grey Warden?” She jabbed a long finger towards Kaiann’s tent, “What you are doing here, it is the basest of sentimentality! You think that will serve to kill the Archdemon?”  
“Yes, I do.” He stifled a yawn, “I’m going to wake up Leliana. Maybe she can take over for the night.”  
He managed to wake Leliana to relieve him from Morrigan and watching the trees do nothing and turned in for the night. He wished he could just fall asleep as soon as he lay down on his bedroll, but instead he sat up and dragged his pack across the ground towards him and took out the rose. Tomorrow, he promised himself, he would tell Kaiann everything tomorrow.

It was well into the evening when they reached Lake Calenhad, and instead of setting up camp, Leliana decided to ask the local inn if they had any rooms for the night. Morrigan followed her and Sten stood outside the door with a small bag of cookies in his hand that Alistair had seen Leliana steal for the Qunari but there was no point in questioning it, at least not now. He took his pack off his back and opened it, pulling out the same delicate rose that he had picked in Lothering.  
“Here, look at this, do you know what this is?” He asked Kaiann, holding the rose in front of her.  
Kaiann stared at it for a couple of seconds before she raised an eyebrow, “Your new weapon of choice?”  
It was just like Kaiann to think he was joking when he wanted to be serious, but her smile did something to him that made him want to go along with it.  
“Yes! Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements!” He knew he was being dramatic as he said it, but Kaiann was giggling at him so he continued, “Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I shall overpower you with my rosy scent!” He added a maniacal laugh for effect and then caught his breath. “Or, it could just be a rose.”  
Kaiann was still smiling but she looked a little confused, “And what are you going to do with it?”  
He took a breath, it was time to tell her everything he could. He decided to leave the fact that he was a bastard out of it, for as long as possible, if she accepted him now that meant that she loved him because of who he was and not what he was.  
“I thought I might give it to you.” He told her, “You’ve known none of the good things about being a Warden, and I thought I should thank you.” She opened her mouth to speak, but Alistair shook his head, “I picked this in Lothering. I couldn’t just let something so beautiful get swallowed up by the darkspawn… and in some ways, I think the same about you. I thought that maybe I could tell you what a rare and beautiful thing you are in this world.”  
Was it his imagination, or was she smiling as she took thee rose from his hand, her fingertips brushing against his skin. He watched her sniff the flower and then she just held it, looking at it and smiling. He wanted her to say something, but at the same time holding onto this moment seemed to make so much sense. What if whatever Kaiann said ruined it? He had put his heart in her hands and he could only hope that she wouldn’t crush it.  
“Does this mean that we’re married now?” She asked, still with that beautiful smile across her face.  
“What?! No!” She looked hurt by his sudden objection, so he tried to rephrase it, “I mean… not if you don’t want to. Not yet.”   
“Andraste’s ass, Alistair,” He’d never heard her curse like that, he’d heard her curse in anger but the way she spoke now was softer, like she was tired of waiting around for something. “Stop babbling.”  
“Sorry.”  
She moved closer to him, close enough that he could count her eyelashes and sighed again, “Don’t apologise,” Her hand was resting on his chest and Alistair silently thanked the Maker that he was wearing armour, otherwise she would have been able to feel his heart pounding. He leaned into her, intending to kiss her, but stopping just by her lips.  
“May I?” He whispered.  
“Yes.”  
Her lips seemed to have been made for his to press against, it was almost like they fit together perfectly. He pulled away slightly but she closed the distance between them with another kiss, he wrapped one arm around her waist and gently held the nape of her neck as they kissed, as her hands moved along his back and made his hair messier than it had already been. He heard the tavern door creak open and they both pulled away from each other, trying not to blush. Strangely, Alistair felt like laughing but managed to contain himself, he could feel the heat rising on his cheeks and all the way down to his stomach. He reached out and gently tapped Kaiann’s arm, “I’m just going to stand… over there, at least until the blushing subsides.”  
She nodded, still smiling at him and holding onto the rose like it was a rope to stop her from slipping off the face of Thedas itself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry for the wait!)
> 
> Alistair and Kaiann talk about the kiss.

He wanted to acknowledge it once they were back at camp together, since the inn had turned them away as soon as Leliana had mentioned the Wardens, (a development that no longer surprised Alistair, Teryn Loghain had outlawed them after all) but Kaiann disappeared into her tent and didn’t emerge until the middle of the night. Alistair was keeping watch alone, trying not to relive that kiss over and over again but that was exactly what he was doing now, smiling to himself in the dark.

“Alistair?”  
He turned as soon as he heard her, watching as she emerged from her tent with her blonde hair tumbling past her shoulders.  
“Yes?”   
As she approached him, he noticed that her hands were shaking and he took them in his own, holding them still. Maker, she had the softest hands he had ever felt and he was suddenly aware of how rough his own hands were compared to her’s.  
“What’s wrong?”   
She drew her hands away quickly, folding her arms to keep the shaking from being noticeable. A blush was creeping across her face and her eyes wouldn’t meet his. Alistair found himself wondering if he had mistaken her reply before he kissed her at the lake that day, if she thought that he had meant something else. He’d only kissed one other person before as a drunken dare, a tavern girl whose name he couldn’t remember, and he hoped that his kiss with Kaiann hadn’t been too bad.  
He sighed, “I… apologise if I misread the situation, I just--”  
Kaiann shook her head, “It’s alright. You didn’t misread anything.” She shivered again, “Have you got a spare undershirt that I could borrow?”  
He looked down at the brown leggings and short sleeved tunic that Kaiann was wearing and nodded. “In my pack, in my tent. I’ll go fetch one for you now.”  
“Alistair, I’m confident that I can find it myself amongst your socks, poultices and… whatever else you have in there.”  
“Yes, the soggy socks that are covered in sweat. No, I insist, let me get you a clean undershirt.” Suddenly, he paused and studied her, “Are you cold?”  
“A little.”  
“Then let me get us a blanket. I am getting the feeling that you need to talk to me about something.”  
Once he was in his tent, Alistair found a small cloth, doused it in water and pressed it to his forehead. Feeling the heat rising from his cheeks subside a little, he gathered the scratchy wool blanket off his bedroll and carried it outside to where Kaiann sat on a fallen tree trunk, shivering. He tried to place the blanket gently over her shoulders, but the wind pulled it over her head. She managed to catch it and pull it back to her shoulders, laughing slightly, leaving enough room for Alistair to sit beside her.

“You wanted to talk?” He asked, twisting the ring around his finger nervously.  
“I just thought that you should know…” She took a deep breath, “Alistair, that kiss… I’ve, er, never actually kissed anybody before.”  
“Never?”  
“No. Never.” She took another breath, “And now, I’m scared. I kissed you, and what if it wasn’t right? What if I mess things up?”  
He took one of her hands again and gently rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand, “I wouldn’t have kept a rose since Lothering if I didn’t want this, this is right, at least for me. If it’s making you uncomfortable, I can always walk away now.”  
She leaned against him slightly, “Please don’t.”  
“I’m not leaving, Kaiann.” He kissed her forehead, “I promise.”


	5. Chapter 5

The sun rose too early, leaving Alistair with aching muscles from staying sitting on a log all night, there was a heavy feeling across his chest and he saw Kaiann, asleep somehow and curled into him, still wrapped in the blanket that had also been draped across his shoulders.  
“Good night, I take it?” The lilt of Leliana’s Orlesian accent caught his ears as he yawned.  
“No darkspawn, no other activity.” Alistair reported as he stifled another yawn, “I should start on breakfast.”  
“It’s being done.” She glanced over at Kaiann, still sleeping with her head on Alistair’s shoulder, “You should wake her up.”  
He sighed, stretching out his shoulders, trying not to disturb Kaiann too much. “She hasn’t had the best time. I’ll take her to her tent, and wake her after we’ve checked our supplies.”  
“Are you sure?” Leliana asked, “What about her breakfast?”  
Alistair let out a soft grunt as he lifted Kaiann into his arms, watching as she stirred slightly in her sleep, “I’ll make sure she eats.”  
He carried Kaiann back to her tent, placed her as gently as he could onto her bedroll and covered her once again with his blanket. He left her with a small kiss on her forehead as he exited her tent to check on their supplies and of course, breakfast.

Leliana had put dried fruit in the porridge again, it must be some Orlesian thing, Alistair thought, but it left him picking raisins from his teeth the entire day. Shaking his head at the porridge that was just starting to form a skin around the dried fruits on top of it, so he took the wooden ladle and stirred it, making certain that it was just getting to the consistency between runny and so thick that you would have to use half of your strength just to lift your spoon. If it bubbled away for another minute or so, it would just be perfect.  
“Breakfast’s done!” He called, moving over to the supply packs to just be sure that all the provisions that they would need to get to the circle tower were packed. He saw no point in fully pulling up camp, and the dwarven merchant companions that Kaiann had invited along back in Lothering had also kindly provided the group with the use of their cart to carry their packs on long stretches of their journey, so Alistair just quickly talked to Bodahn Feddic about looking after the camp and finally, took a small wooden bowl of porridge for himself and sat down to eat it, talking about how exactly they would get to the tower with Leliana and Morrigan. Sten was stood in a corner, having already finished eating and only inserting grunts into the conversation.  
“You could talk the Templars around, if they refuse?” He asked Leliana, “Your life as a bard must be useful here, no?”  
“Can’t you talk to them yourself?” She asked back, “Templar to Templar?”  
“I was never officially a Templar, I was recruited into the Wardens before I took any vows.” Alistair reminded her, standing up to spoon more porridge into his now empty bowl. “Well, I guess we could either get Morrigan or Sten to intimidate them.”  
The red-haired Bard glared at him for a second, “I think you’ve had enough to eat. There’s none left for your companion.”  
Alistair rolled his eyes at her and scraped the porridge back into the pot, “Is there any bacon?”  
“Why would you eat bacon with porridge?” Leliana asked wrinkling her nose as Alistair dug through their food supply for a few raw strips of meat and a pan.  
“Why in the Maker’s name wouldn’t you?” He placed four rashers of bacon in the pan and started to fry them, tossing two slightly undercooked pieces over to Barkspawn and leaving the two crispiest bits for himself to throw into a slice of bread as he walked towards Kaiann’s tent with a fresh bowl of porridge.  
Entering a tent came with its own etiquette since the option of knocking wasn’t viable. Alistair had learned after countless experiences of almost walking in on people changing that calling out to the inhabitant of the tent and announcing himself usually saved himself embarrassment.

“Kaiann?” He called, but no answer. “M’lady?”  
Still nothing, he pushed the tent flap open slightly and tried again. “Kai? It’s Alistair, I have food.” Still no reply from Kaiann, so he entered the tent and found her still asleep and curled in the itchy woolen blanket that he had covered her with last night.  
He didn’t dare to touch her, not yet, not after they had finished last night’s conversation properly. Instead he called her name again until she groaned and sat up.  
“Alistair? Why are you in my tent?”  
He held up the bowl of porridge, “I thought you might like to eat. We have to move soon if we want to get to the tower and then Redcliffe.”  
She took the bowl from him and started to eat, “Why is Redcliffe so important?”  
He sighed, and sat down next to her bedroll. “It’s a very long story, and if we’re to get the support of the mages before Loghain can get to them, we need to get going.”  
Kaiann let out a sigh as she pulled on her boots and started putting on her armour, “Would you tell me on the way?”  
“Of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, my lady, I need to get dressed.” He turned away from her and walked out of her tent and into his own to don his armour. He didn’t know what he should tell her in answer to her questions about Redcliffe. If he told her the truth, that Arl Eamon raised him, Kaiann would have more questions about why he was raised by an Arl that could end up spilling all of his secrets, and if she knew what he was - the bastard son of a king, she would be forever out of his reach and losing her right now would bring back the losses of Cailan and Duncan and hundreds of other soldiers and Wardens who had been part of Alistair’s life up until now.

They started their journey down to Lake Calenhad in silence with no mention of Redcliffe by Kaiann, which allowed Alistair to breathe easier now that he didn’t have to think about the lies that he would have to tell her. She kept quiet until she spotted a lone Templar standing next to a small rowboat, and went over to ask for passage to the tower.  
“I’m sorry, but I have been instructed not to let anybody into the Tower.” The young Templar answered when Kaiann asked him if he could take them across the lake.  
Kaiann reached into her pack and pulled out something Alistair hadn’t laid eyes on since they’d been at Flemeth’s hut, a pack of yellowed parchment, wrapped up in faded leather with a griffon embossed into the soft material. The Grey Warden treaties that Duncan had them track down in the Kocari Wilds which lead them to Morrigan and Flemeth, the treaties that may have saved their lives. He wanted to reach out and hold onto her wrist, to stop her from showing the treaties to this Templar, but he stood his ground and reminded himself that he was following her and setting an example of how the rest of this bunch of misfits should act around her. So he waited, watching as the mabari hound stood beside her, with Sten and Morrigan behind him as Kaiann held out the Grey Warden treaties and spoke.  
“These documents say that the mages are required by the Grey Wardens to aid against the Blight.”  
The young Templar took one look at the treaties and laughed. “Oh, a Grey Warden! So you’re pretending to be one of those are you?” He took the treaties from her hands and tapped it, “Well, I have some documents that say I’m the Queen of Antiva, would do you think of that?”   
A small smile crossed Kaiann’s face as she looked the Templar straight in the eyes and then asked, “Aren’t Queens usually female?”  
The Templar turned slightly red as he waved a hand, “Don’t question royalty! Anyway, on your way now, off you go.”  
Leiliana proposed that while the inn refused to let them stay, it would not turn away their coin so easily and went inside to enquire after drinks and a hot meal. After a minute, she returned, informing them that the inn would let them drink and eat there as long as they were gone within a few hours. It seemed like the innkeep was only worried about the consequences of harbouring Grey Wardens, and had no actual problems with the party’s persons or coin.  
Everyone except Kaiann sat around a small table, a mug of ale and a bowl of hot broth in front of them, laughing for the first time since they’d embarked on this journey. Leiliana had decided to tell the story of Flemeth with Morrigan’s corrections interrupting her now and again and Alistair stayed silent, with his head down as even Sten told stories of life under the Qun. After the last of his ale was gone and the bowl emptied, Alistair pushed it away from himself and threw a small amount of gold and silver onto the table before walking out of the inn.

He found Kaiann sitting at the edge of Lake Calenhad, her boots next to her as she dipped her feet into the water, her face full of thought. He slipped his own boots off, almost losing his balance, and walked down to where she sat.  
“I’m ready to talk now, if you want.” He told her, “About Redcliffe.”  
She turned to face him, and he couldn’t look at her so he watched the water as it washed over his feet.  
“I can’t explain everything, but I’ll tell you what I can.” He felt her reach out and place a hand on top of his own, “I care about Redcliffe because Arl Eamon raised me.”  
“He… raised you, how?” She asked, moving her hand up towards his arm.  
“Oh, you know, he gave me some clothes, fed me and taught me to read and write.” He finally dared to look at her.  
“Why would he do that?” She asked.  
Alistair shrugged, “As far as I know, it was a favour to a family friend. He didn’t look after me for long, I slept in a kennel when I was eight and he packed me off to the monastery when I was ten.”  
She laughed, “Eight years, Alistair.”  
“I know you may think that’s a long time, but it’s not when you have nurses and Sisters watching over you every day.” He told her, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to go there, I need to know what’s happening because…” He shook his head and stopped talking at that moment, leaving Kaiann to work out what he was trying to say and returned to watching the water lap at his feet.  
“They’re your family.” She was holding onto his hand now, “Alistair, look at me.”  
He looked into her eyes and for a second, he almost forgot how close he was to losing her.  
“We’ll go, as soon as we have the support of the mages. I promise.” She squeezed his hand, “I’m not going to let anybody else lose their family like I lost mine.”  
He raised a hand and rested it gently against her cheek, “Kai, that wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”  
“I left them there, Alistair. I should have stayed, I should have done something!” Tears began to fall down her cheek and he wiped them away as gently as a man wearing armour could.  
“And then you would be dead too.” He pulled her slightly closer to him, “I… You’re my best friend, you know that?”  
She leaned into him, tears still falling down her cheeks as she rested her head onto his shoulder. He didn’t really know what to do, except wrap his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder until her tears eventually stopped. For once, Alistair didn’t care if anybody else saw them or about what they might say if they did, all he wanted was a moment that he actually could forget about the impending doom of being in line for the Fereldan throne, and as he breathed in the sweet scent of meadow flowers, he realised that Kaiann made him feel exactly like he could be anything he wanted to be.  
She eventually moved her head away from his shoulder and raised her hands to scrub at her face and wipe away the tear stains and he took his hands away from where they rested on her back and wiped them away gently.  
“I’m sorry about that.” She mumbled, motioning vaguely over the shoulder that her head had rested on seconds ago.  
“Don’t apologise.”  
“No, really, I shouldn’t have -”  
“Kai…”  
It took five seconds for her to close the distance between them and momentarily rest her lips on his before she pulled away again.  
“I thank the Maker each day that I have you by my side, Alistair.” She told him as she pulled on her boots and walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being away so long, work etc. takes time out from writing, but soon we'll meet Wynne and she'll make everything all sunshine and rainbows... possibly xx

Alistair hated not speaking to Kaiann, and that was exactly what was happening. Kaiann had not spoken or even looked at him since earlier that evening, and back in camp, even Barkspawn growled and snapped at him.  
“What’s the matter?” Kaiann asked, watching as Alistair held his hand after the Mabari’s teeth had snapped too close to him, leaving small trickles of blood. He hoped that he imagined the sneer he saw on her face, “Did you jump at your own shadow again?”  
“Oh.” He tried to hide the disappointment on his face at the fact that he hadn’t imagined that look, “Ha, ha. Very funny.” He held up his bleeding hand so that she could see, and for a moment, he could have sworn that her features softened, “No, it’s your dog. I got a bit too close and well, look what he did!”  
She took a glance at Alistair’s hand, “He could have done much worse. But still, he shouldn’t have.” Barkspawn let out a low whine at the small reprimand and hung his head down next to Alistair’s knee.  
“That’ll teach me to forget that he’s a war dog.” Alistair mumbled, hoping that the small notion of humour would make Kaiann smile at him, but she turned away again and started talking to Morrigan, Sten and Leiliana about the best way to get to the Tower.  


It was an hour before Kaiann made a second attempt to talk to the young Templar at the docks, this time with Alistair standing towards the back of the group. He heard the way that she talked to him, the flirtatious lilt in her voice as she asked his name. He knew the familiar way that his voice hitched when he answered “C-Carroll.”  
He knew, because it was almost the same effect that she had on him, the only difference was that Carroll had a much easier time pulling himself together. There was something rising up in from his stomach, a bitter bile, as he watched Kaiann flirt her way around the Templar guard and eventually secure them a trip across the lake. He hated it, he hated it so much that he wanted to lash out and strike that stupid grin off Carroll’s face with the back of one of his gauntlets, but Leliana wrapped hand around his wrist and stepped in front of him.  
“You cannot let this get to you this way, Alistair.” Her bright red hair shimmered in the moonlight and he found himself giving a soft smile in reply to her words.  


The boat itself was too cramped and even as Alistair watched Carroll take Kaiann’s hand the way that a gentleman always should, the sick feeling rose again. It was almost like the woman was trying to drive him crazy and the only reasonable thing he could think of to do was to sit as close as possible to Leliana and whisper to her within Kaiann’s line of sight.  
“So… you’re female, Leliana, right?”  
He could hear the former bard let out a small laugh, her breath tickling his ear, “I am? That’s news. When did that happen?”  
He rolled his eyes in response to her sarcasm before letting out a soft sigh. “I just wanted some advice. What should I do if…” a slight pause as he watched Kaiann turn her head to look northeast, the sorrow on her face too easy to read. “If I think a woman is special and -”  
The bard cut him off quite quickly by finishing the end of his sentence for him, “You want to woo her? Here's a good tip: you shouldn't question her about her female-ness.”  
It was Alistair’s turn to chuckle then, “All right, yes. Good point.”  
“Why do you ask?” He turned toward the bard then, to see that she was looking at Kaiann, “Are you afraid that things will not progress naturally?”  
“Why would they? Especially when I do things like ask women if they’re female.” He lowered his head into his hands and rubbed his face.  
“It adds to your charm, Alistair. You are a little awkward, it is endearing.”  
He looked back at the bard, “So I should be awkward? Didn’t you just say not to do things like that?”  
Leliana patted his shoulder lightly, “Just be yourself. You do know how to do that, don’t you?”  
He shrugged her hand away, noticing Kaiann’s gaze on him. “All right, forget I asked.”  


As they reached the shores of Kinloch Hold, the young Templar seemed to become increasingly more anxious, casting nervous glances at Alistair, Morrigan and Sten.  
“C-Can’t your companions go in for you?” He coughed, “M’lady.”  
Kaiann shot him a disgusted look, “No. I have business with the mages on behalf of the Grey Wardens.”  
“Isn’t he a Warden too, m’lady?”  
Kaiann looked at Alistair for the first time since camp, “Yes, but I will not have him die in utterly preventable circumstances.” She broke eye contact and stared back at Carroll, “Now, let’s get to the tower before we freeze on its shores.” The Templar led the way as Kaiann strode off ahead of them. As they reached the tower doors, everybody seemed to fall into an easy formation, Kaiann at the front with Alistair just behind her and the rest of the party following a few steps behind. Alistair nervously ran his fingers through the front of his hair as the great metal doors to the tower slowly opened.  


“Your hair looks fine.”  
If he hadn’t seen Kaiann’s lips move, Alistair wouldn’t have believed she’d even spoken to him. “Uh, thanks, I guess?”  
“Alistair…” Her eyes were wide and there was something in the way that she was looking at him that made him want to pull her into his arms right there, but the doors were almost open all the way, so he held up his hand to shush her.


End file.
